How to prepare for a conversation on National Coming Out Day

Oct. 11 is National Coming Out Day, which is a day to bring awareness to the LGBTQ+ community and celebrate the process of coming out. Whether you identify as LGBTQ+ or are an ally for the community, you can prepare for the conversations you may have around coming out so that you feel empowered in your decision or understand how to offer support.  

If you have questions or need support, contact the Pride Office. As part of the Center for Inclusion and Social Change, the Pride Office offers events, resources and programs to support LGBTQ+ students, faculty and staff. 

Here are strategies to help you prepare. 

Tips for coming out 

Coming out is personal, and you get to decide when you are ready and what amount of information you want to share with various people in your community.  

Before you come out, remember: 

• Coming out looks different for everyone. There is no right or wrong way to do it as long as you are confident and comfortable with your choices. 
• Identity is complicated and can change. There is nothing wrong with deciding that an identity word you’ve used in the past is no longer a good fit. You can also change your mind about who you want to share your identity with. 

Decide who to come out to 

Planning and preparing can be helpful if you decide you want to come out. You may feel more comfortable starting with people in your life you believe will be supportive. Ask yourself: 

• Who do I feel safe with? 
• Who has supported me in the past? 
• Who builds up my confidence? 

Thinking through how someone has talked about other LGBTQ+ people may help you pinpoint who will show you support, though, sadly, it is never guaranteed. A helpful way to determine if coming out to a person is the right option is to consider what you hope to hear in response and what you worry they might say. If you feel uncertain about the person’s response, consider taking along a supportive friend. 

Consider how to share 

Think about how you want to share this information with people. 

• Do you want to have a conversation in person? 
• Would a video call or phone conversation feel safer? 
• You could also email or mail a letter if you do not want an immediate response. 

When deciding the conversation method, think about how the person you want to come out to handles difficult or emotional conversations.  

• Do they tend to try to fix things? 
• Will they tend to ask lots of questions? 
• Do they tend to take time to process things?  

By considering how they may react or what actions they may take immediately after the conversation, you can choose the way you feel most comfortable communicating. For example, if you don’t want to deal with a quick or emotional outburst, you could write a letter instead of meeting in person. 

Find the right time and place 

Considering the time and place for the conversation is important. Think about the environment where you would feel comfortable. Also, pick a time that works for productive communication. 

• Is everyone present relaxed, comfortable and rested? 
• How much privacy is available in the space? 
• Are there bystanders nearby who may notice a negative response or interrupt the conversation? 

You don’t have to find a perfect time or place but be intentional about choosing an environment that feels safe and affirming. 

Make a backup plan 

Coming out can feel risky if the person you share with can impact your physical safety or financial security. If you are particularly concerned about financial resources, housing, transportation, food or your physical, emotional or mental well-being, make backup plans and identify support resources before you have the conversation. You can contact the Pride Office, Counseling and Psychiatric Services and Basic Needs Center for assistance and resources. 

Regardless of how this conversation goes, you deserve support and love. You also deserve to celebrate yourself, so make it a special day and be proud of what you have accomplished. 

Tips for allies 

Allyship is a process and an ongoing personal journey that requires continued growth, learning, action and commitment. As an ally, developing a basic understanding of LGBTQ+ terms can be helpful since it diminishes the need for LGBTQ+ people to educate you on their identities when they come out to you.  

As the LGBTQ+ people in your life share their concerns and experiences, listen without judgment. It can take practice to become an active and engaged listener. It’s important to remember that even allies can have unseen biases, especially during emotional or difficult conversations. Check-in with yourself to determine if you have underlying beliefs or attitudes that may limit your ability to be fully open and accepting.  

Foster a willingness to look at the potential things that you are uncomfortable with and make a commitment to work through your doubts, fears and uncertainties. More concretely, help create environments that respect and appreciate LGBTQ+ people, like respecting pronouns or speaking up and not tolerating harmful words or actions from others. You can also research resources for LGBTQ+ people in your community to help improve your familiarity with the LGBTQ+ community, attend LGBTQ+ events and to offer referrals for support if needed. 

If someone comes out to you, remember that it is a sign of trust, as divulging this kind of personal information is often scary. Respect that individual’s trust and do not share the information with anyone else unless they tell you otherwise. Your loved ones deserve the opportunity to tell whom they wish, when and how they want.  

Find support and resources 

CU Boulder provides support for students, faculty and staff in the LGBTQ+ community. Whether you need help with basic needs, mental health support or medical services, you can connect to resources and explore your options. 

Contact the Pride Office to ask questions or learn more.