Tips for living with roommates on and off campus

Living on campus for your first year can be an exciting (and nerve-wracking) experience. This may be the first time you have had to share a room or live with someone you have never met. Follow these tips to help you transition into a residence hall and create a positive first roommate experience at CU.

First impressions aren’t always accurate

Raise your hand if you’ve ever looked someone up online before meeting them (). While this kind of information-gathering can help satisfy your curiosity, it’s also important to remember that people may present themselves differently online or on social media. Take their first impressions of someone with a grain of salt, whether it’s online or in person. Make an effort to get to know your roommate(s) over the course of a few weeks, actively seek out things you have in common and allow space for differences, too.

Come prepared to create a roommate agreement

As part of your on-campus experience, you’ll work with your roommates and Resident Advisors (RAs) to create a roommate agreement, which outlines shared ground rules. Think through your expectations, habits and routines before you move in (or soon after) and come prepared to create a shared roommate agreement. 

Here are some helpful topics to consider for on-campus students:

• Morning and nighttime routines (quiet hours, class times, waking/sleeping hours, etc.)
• Cleanliness of shared spaces (laundry, trash, dishes, clutter, chores, etc.)
• Visitors (friends, significant others, overnight guests, gatherings, etc.)
• Borrowing or using each other’s things (electronics, food, clothes, toiletries, etc.)
• Purchasing common items (cleaning supplies, toilet paper, etc.)
• Preferred ways for addressing conflict
• Quality vs. alone time
• Substance use (partying, vaping, drinking, marijuana, etc.)*

Don’t forget to talk with your roommates about potential deal breakers as well as things you’d be okay compromising on.

 Note: Substance use is prohibited in residence halls.

Learn about conflict styles

Everyone handles conflict differently, depending on the situation, their conflict style and who they’re in conflict with. However, there are some common themes that may show up in a person’s response again and again. Learning how you approach conflict can be a great starting point for learning or refining skills around conflict resolution.

We recommend taking our free Conflict Style Quiz to learn how you approach conflict and how your ‘default’ response may impact your behaviors or attitudes in different situations. Encourage your roommates to do the same so you can discuss how your approaches may differ. Knowing each other’s conflict styles can help you work better together, reframe your approach and come up with alternative solutions to conflict. You can also explore more resources and tips for conflict management online.

Take the Conflict Style Quiz

Practice communication

It’s usually best to address roommate issues quickly before they fester. Bringing up issues through texting, social media or sticky notes on the door may lead to miscommunication or increased frustrations. This is because we can’t always know how the message will be received by the other person. A simple reminder to “take out the trash” may turn into something more.

Instead, try to discuss any potential issues in person. Allow yourself to cool off, make a plan and think through how you can express your needs before approaching your roommate. Using “I” statements to describe how the situation makes you feel is a helpful way to start.

Here are some examples:

• “I feel hurt when I’m not invited to game night because I really enjoy hanging out with you.”
• “I feel frustrated when the trash doesn’t get taken out because we agreed to switch off who takes care of it each week.”
• “I am upset that my coat was damaged because I can’t afford to replace it.”
• “I feel hurt when my snacks get eaten by others because it’s hard for me to make it to the grocery store.”

Remember that respect goes both ways. Listen for understanding and ask follow-up questions during the conversation. Resist the urge to formulate a response to what the other person is saying while they’re speaking. Instead, you should be focusing your full attention on the emotions, issues and reasoning behind what your roommate is saying.

Roommates aren’t always BFFs (and that’s okay)

While it would be nice, not everyone is going to end the year as best friends for life (and that’s okay). Try your best to let go of this expectation and instead, focus on creating a healthy living situation that you can maintain throughout the year.

If you do experience conflict with a roommate, remember that change doesn’t happen overnight and sometimes disagreements don’t always resolve the way we’d like them to. More often than not, seeing progress requires a series of conversations and a willingness to try.